Guest Contribution Piece
10 Types of Singaporean Girls You’ll Probably End Up With
Author’s note: You may skip the monologue and scroll all the way down to the main body of the article if you do not have the patience to put up with mentally imagining a crazy woman ranting, I mean, that’s the whole point of writing such a piece, isn’t it?
Recently, there have been a slew of trashy articles floating around Facebook, and I happened to chance upon (translate, stupidly clicked and painfully read through the whole thing) one of them yesterday. To my utter horror and dismay, the article was so badly written that I had to force myself not to cuss out loud in the office. My eyes were bleeding by the time I was done with it. In short, it was trashy AND bad. If it was trashy and funny /witty, I was still able to accept it. But no, it was trashy, bitchy with lots of grammatical errors by an author who thinks very highly of herself.
I realised Singaporeans enjoy reading trashy articles as compared to factual ones. The said article that I had the misfortune of reading was actually featured on The Real Singapore (“TRS”) Facebook page. TRS had to insert a disclaimer together with the post, and I quote verbatim, “Please keep it to a healthy discussion and not throw insults at other people just because you don’t like this type of article. We are trying to attract younger readers to read our website so as to be able to make them follow Singapore Politics in the future.”
If trashy articles are able to attract younger people, then really, I fear for the future of Singapore.
Moving on, since trashy articles are the rage in Singapore right now, I decided to give writing one a shot. Since I’m a female living in Singapore, I think it’s only fair if my virgin attempt at writing a trashy article was about my own gender. I’ll be starting with the 10 types of Singaporean girls you’ll probably end up with, honestly, I think 10 is being a little ambitious, since they are pretty much the same with just a different “quirk”, but I’ll give it a shot anyway, here goes nothing!
#1: THE CHIOBU.
Street Cred: 10/10
Attainability: Hard (Easy if you look like Daniel Henney)
Demand: Extremely High
This is the epitome of zabors in Singapore. Every straight Singaporean male would kill to make the chiobu his own. Women are afraid and jealous of her, and those whose boyfriends have roving eyes would have a hard time controlling them from looking at any chiobu who walks by. It will usually end with the men having to come up with varying answers to this question “see what see? I not chio enough for you meh??”
But alas, can see cannot touch. Usually, these chiobus are already spoken for, and their male counterparts would always put their hands possessively over her to stake his claim on his property and to warn other men to back off.
#2: THE BIMBO.
Street Cred: 8/10
Attainability: Easy (just say something nice about her hair/dress/handbag/legs)
Demand: High
After the chiobus, the bimbos are the next best thing a Singaporean man can have. They are aesthetically pleasing, and guys can haolian to his bros as long as she doesn’t talk too much. But once she opens her mouth, everyone faints.
Eg:
Bimbo: “ling-ling, where are we are? I thought we are at George’s party? Why I don’t see George ah??” (George is standing right in front of her)
Boyf: “errrr. There. *points to George* here lor.”
Bimbo: “oh! *giggles stupidly* I thought that was Gerald”
Boyf: “*look of bewilderment* you just saw him 2 days ago when we had dinner together!!! *facepalms*”
But men will usually put up with her for the sake of his street cred.
#3 THE HAOLIAN.
Street Cred: 6/10
Attainability: Easy (as long as you are rich and drives a nice car)
Demand: Medium
These are the kind who compare with their fellow bitches on their latest victory (guys) and the new handbag/watch/wallet/shoes/dress that their new rich boyfriends got them or the flashy cars that their current boyfriend is driving.
Typical conversation would go like this:
HL1: “eh! I tell you hor, that day hor, we were walking past this Mount Black shop leh, then hor, I saw this veh nice ring, but I tell my dahling don’t buy already, because he already buy for me 10 liao, but he still don’t want to listen leh, so now I have 11 rings, but only 10 fingers, how ah? *proceeds to flash ring in front of friends*
HL2: “aiyah, ring nia mah! Big meh! That day we just walk into the car showroom, then I say I like that lampo, then he order already! Come lah, you all long jiam pas see who take my new car first!”
#4 The EVERYTHING-ALSO-DON’T-KNOW / DON’T-WANT.
Street Cred: 5/10
Attainability: Medium
Demand: Medium
These are one of the more troublesome kind. Everything you ask will also tell you don’t know. But actually, they already know. They just want the suggestion to come from you after they drop you 100000 hints over the course of 3 months by sharing all the links on Facebook and saying, “nice hor?”.
Usually, a conversation between the everything-also-don’t-know and their SO goes like this:
BF: “so today want to go where ah?”
Gf: “don’t know leh, you decide lah”
Bf: “like that ah, aboh we go gardens by the bay lah, new one leh, got all the fake flowers, you like flowers right? Then very lomantic also”
Gf: “don’t want. Very hot”
Bf: “then we watch movie lah. 300 2 very nice! A lot of fighting and blood. Ai mai?”
Gf: “I don’t want. Very boring. I don’t like fighting show”
Bf: *at this point, he’s quite frustrated and perplexed already* “then what you want sia!”
Gf: “we go to this ice exhibition at MBS lah, is cold and nice and got alcohol also. You like what! You never see all the links I share on FB one meh? I say so many times liao but you never listen one! You got no heart one.”
Bf: “THEN SAY EARLIER LAH. LANSAI LOR. MAKE ME CRACK MY HEAD COME UP WITH SO MANY THINGS YOU ALSO SAY NO. “
#5: THE CONTROL FREAK.
Street Cred: 2/10
Attainability: Easy (get liao then you know)
Demand: Extremely low
The control freak may seem like the best girl you have ever dated for the first 3 months of the relationship. She’s kind, caring, gives you spaces, allows you to hang out with your guys and does not bother you. You have never been more mistaken. 3 months later, she will want to know all your social media passwords, phone passwords, every person who has ever existed in your family tree and knows your NRIC by heart.
Typical conversation goes like this:
GF: “why you never answer your phone! I called you 100 times you know?”
BF: “Sorry lah, I pangsai just now, then I left my phone in the office”
GF: “I got say you can go pangsai meh??? Why you go pangsai never tell me??? ”
BF: *LL*
#6: THE DRAMA QUEEN.
Street Cred: 4/10
Attainability: Medium
Demand: Medium (Not for those with a weak heart)
This one. Jialat. You’re in for the ride of your life. No chili? Cry. Dog died? Cry. You killed a housefly? Cry. You didn’t buy her favourite coffee today? Cry. Read this article? Cry. Enough said.
#7: THE POSSESSIVE / INSECURE / PARANOID.
Street Cred: 3/10
Attainability: Easy
Demand: Low
Otherwise known as your psycho girlfriend, the possessive is not to be trifled with. She will try all ways and means possible to let everyone in Singapore know that you are her boyfriend, not including declaring your relationship on Facebook/Twitter/Friendster/Instagram/every other known network, putting up advertisements in local newspapers and updating pictures of the both of you doing almost everything together, list not exhaustive.
Typical conversation goes like this?
Gf: *scrolls through bf’s phone* “WHO’S WENDY??? WHY YOU TALK TO HER FOR 10 SECONDS?????”
Bf: “project mate lah, called her to ask where is she. Need to do project together”
Gf: “you sure do project only and nothing else?????????? You never lie to me??????????”
Bf: “no lah, I where got so free go hong zar boh sia. Not work, is study, not work not study is meet you liao.”
Gf: *appeased for 10 mins*
#8: THE AH LIAN.
Street Cred: 6/10
Attainability: Medium (easy for fellow ah bengs)
Demand: Low (high for ah bengs)
These are the type who would tote around Cheong LV/Gucci/Chanel/Pradahandbags tiny wallets and somehow, you will always be able to find a fine toothed comb that they would use to stroke their fringe every 2 minutes in that tiny ugly little thing. These are also the super loud (shrill) women that you can find on the streets complaining about anything and everything under the sun with their male counterparts. And oh, they have really “cute” names like “xiao bitch” or “big lian” or “xiao ke ai fanny”
Typical conversaion?
Gf: “eh zhong eh! Today at the kopitiam right, when I just sit there with xiao bitch and talk to her hor, then this cheebye xiao ke ai fanny just walk past and stare at limbu leh! walao eh! Mei you si guo leh, that bitch hor! She gan gan stare at me leh! help me settle leh!
Bf: “wah, she dare to stare at my zabor? She so got balls ah! Which gang! Where she now? I ask my brothers go down, we disfigure her!
*also the result of many unreported staring incidents and gang fights*
#9: THE PDA.
Street Cred: 5/10
Attainability: Medium
Demand: Low
These are the kind that would take every single opportunity to engage in public display of affections with their other half. Even in super crowded MRT cabins also must hold hand tight tight and nuzzle his neck, face and touch his butt, his hips and =waist. Extreme ones includes petting. Touch everywhere correct liao.
#10: THE FOODIE / EXPLORER
Street Cred: 7/10
Attainability: Medium (low if you have food on you)
Demand: Medium (high for fellow foodies)
Enjoys exploring new places and trying new things very adventurous and won’t mind go to faraway places with no air con with you. Likes eating and wants to try every item on the menu at a new food joint, and will never be able to finish anything she orders, and the other half will always have stand in as a dumping ground for leftovers.
*disclaimer: Boyfriend may experience significant weight increase during the course of dating foodie due to constant over ingestion of food.
I am finally done! My brains are completely fried from having to conjure up something as ridiculous as this. I almost poked my eyes out while proofreading. Actually, no, I didn’t bother to proofread because I was unable to go through the pain of such terrible writing.
Fiona
*The author blogs at http://teoftakeonlife.wordpress.com