Dear TRS,
I decided to write this as I lay in the dark cuddling my baby who had woken up from her sleep... she kept looking over to her father's side of the bed but he wasn't there. It makes me sad everyday and more so this last month as my husband's gambling has worsened. I have a feeling it is the stresses of work that has set it off but who knows really?
This last month every single working day he no longer comes home straight from work. He goes to the casino. I do not get a message or call to say he won't be home... I may be lucky to get one when he is almost home. Home time can range anywhere from midnight till 5 in the morning (it depends how much he has won) then he goes to sleep it is a new day and he leaves for work again. Maybe he will see his daughter for half an hour before he leaves for work and he tries to make up for lack of being there at night by giving her a bottle in the morning. On his days off he is not interested in doing any family activities let alone a walk or lunch. On the occasion that we have gone out, I am the one to return home alone with the baby as he leaves us to go to the casino.
I feel completely alone. I don't expect any sympathy and I know I have a choice. We are expats so we are far away from any family support and as for friends... well that is non-existent despite attempts to socialise and befriend other expat women (everyone talks about these great friendships they strike up here but perhaps I have Loser written on my forehead? I never had a problem making friends before I came here?)... I could leave him but my choices are limited as I have my baby to consider and you also need an income! Stay here and keep my daughter in a tense argumentive household where both parents are abusing the hell out of eachother... or return to my country as a solo mother with no means of income until I could find a job and child care.
He also has a choice. In Singapore, you have the ability to self-exclude yourself from the casinos and there is the option for families and employers to apply. The form sits there and waits but he is not interested. I threatened to apply but then I worried that the Singapore government would consider him to no longer be welcome to work here when he has baggage - a gambling problem. I asked him to try it so he can give us a proper chance but he just won't.
Gambling has taken over his whole entire being - I now feel like he is a heartless cold selfish human being that I am finding so hard to love anymore. I realise addictions are a complicated matter but this addiction is taking the one thing that matters to me the most - my new little family.
Because of his addiction, my new little family has no chance to be happy or if I decide to leave him, then we would not have even lasted the first year of my sweet daughter's life.
He cannot and will not try to see any of this from my point of view. They say communication is key to make a marriage work, but how can you communicate when the other party will not let you. I have also voiced my wants, feelings and needs so there is no confusion on his part about where he stands with me. Waste of my breath and time.
Anyway this was not for me to tell my whole life story.. but I did want to bring up the subject of Gambling Addictions and hope perhaps some people who are reading this (whether they are a gambler or an affected loved one) can agree that gambling is a terrible problem that is hidden out of shame and not spoken about enough in our community... worldwide. And a message for the gambler's - you will never know how it feels to be affected by gambling until you are the one affected yourself so please try to see for the sake of the ones who will always be there for you.
And a message for my husband...
Grow some balls and sort yourself out!!!
JS
TRS Contributor