Being a scumbag on Chinese New Year is easy but being THE Scumbag takes a lot more than that. Like how the western Halloween practice of dressing up like turds (without the kids Trick-or-Treat yet though) picking up momentum in Singapore, it is kinda fast becoming a national tradition to play scumbag on CNY. So with less than 10 days to go, here is a quick crash course for all you lazy scumbag wannabes.
#1 - Clad yourself in the right attire
How do you ply your trade if you blend in with the crowd? Needless to say, a CNY scumbag has to wear that attire to stand out from the crowd, better if the attire pisses people off - that would be half the battle won. Choosing your battle suit is up to your own creativity. Here is a sample for you. Basically, get something that pisses people off and print it on your T-shirt or something. I trust you scumbags for doing better than that.
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#2 - Props
A soldier carries a rifle, a magician holds a wand. A CNY scumbag cannot turn up to a house visit without props. Again, it could be anything that brings a frown to the face or create an eerily awkward situation. For example you can print out the following in the form of a brochure and make sure every single adult and their children get hold of a copy. Bonus tip: Recite the contests of your brochure loudly, ending your speech with the customary, "Huat ah!" Then go around shaking hands and wishing everyone a Happy New Year.
#3 - Update everyone about yourself
Share your success story with everyone following the 4Cs framework below:
Car
Although you would have already honked your new expensive car like a groom would fetch his bridge on his wedding day before you turn up, it is important to show everyone what was making the din earlier on. Do your rounds and show everyone a well taken photograph of your new car. Move on from disinterested parties and pull the interested faces to the window to point out to them which is your new car. Apologise that you are unable to give them a ride home later on.
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| Sample girlfriend |
Chiobu
Bring along your chiobu girlfriend. If you don't have one, rent one. Make sure you introduce her to everybody. If any male relatives start staring, quickly move on to the next person. Make sure one of your hands rest on her bum at all times.
Career
Share with everyone how successful your previous year had been. #1 real estate agent or trader, whatever. A 6 months bonus, a 2 week company retreat to Maldives fully paid for, a double promotion and a 50% wage increment. Tell them proudly that you contributed to the National wage increment statistics PTC used to decide how much transport fare they are increasing next April.
Children's results
Bring along your child of course. If you don't have one, rent five. If chronological details cannot be explained logically, tell your relatives they are adopted child of you and your chiobu girlfriend (make sure your hand is still on her butt, giving them a light squeeze occasionally) Ask every child how did they fare in their last final exams and told him that your child (choose one nearest to his/her age) did much better even without studying, as you took the whole family to Maldives (stressed it's fully paid for) before the final exams. Don't miss any child out. Place a hand on the shoulder of their parents and shake your head a little and sigh, "Geniuses are born, not groomed."
#4 - Conversations
Trolling cousins
To single younger cousins: Ah Lian/Ah Kow, got boyfriend/girlfriend already bo?
To attached cousins: Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend? Ooor busy ah, I thought break up already.
If more than one cousins brought along their SOs: (purposely mistaken the pairings) Oh! So you are Siao Kow's girlfriend ah? Hahaha. I thought is Ah Chye's girlfriend because she suits him better. Couple look lah. hahaha.
To older single cousins: Alamak, haven't got girlfriend/boyfriend ah? Need me to intro you bo? Hey are you still virgin? (Laugh out loud and make sure the Uncles & Aunties join in)
To older attached cousins without kids: Adoi, why haven't got baby? (mock whisper) Hey I got this uncle at Marine Parade reputation damn good. After visit confirm got baby, ai mai?
To older attached cousins with kids: Why one only? Cannot afford? Cannot be lah, look at me 5 kids I also surviving. Singapore Government encourage and support one, cannot afford is not excuse. You are not patriotic lah, maybe you should move to Australia, since your kids results so lousy.
Trolling elders
To ah ma/ah kong: Wa Ah Kong! Heng I still see you around man. So happy.
To uncles: Alamak uncle, you need to go Beijing 101
To aunties: Oi oi oi gugu, (gestures dramatically, point to your T-shirt and shake your head) Tsk tsk tsk tsk, your waistline there like Bak Chang. Today CNY leh, not Dumpling day.
#5 - Make a quick retreat
Announce loudly you have to leave and collect any ang baos for your five rented children. Be the first to leave. Repeat process as many times as possible at different locations. When you decide to call it a day, sack the children and send them away with the Mandarin oranges and some candies you pocketed from visits earlier on. You may keep the chiobu for research purposes.
#6 - Post content of house visits on Facebook
Post any badly taken pictures of relatives or friends in awkward poses, if any. Rank them in terms of looks and their costume of the day. Rank the food and give crude comments such as, "This soya chicken is so raw that it laid an egg on the table." Tag the chefs. Produce an excel spreadsheet of how much each person gave in their ang baos and upload it for everyone to see. Tag them, if available.
#7 - "Huat ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
During the Lao Yu Sheng ceremonies (be it company or private event) Make sure your "Huat ah!" overshadow everyone else's. Stand on the chair and go frenzy with your chopsticks while shouting. Ensure there is nothing left in the dish after that so that everyone has to pick up bits around the table or on the chair you were standing on.
#8 - Closure
On the last day of the CNY, post a new status with a fuck face, "CNY is sooo boring." and make sure you include at least 5 different long #fuckinghashtagsnoonegivesafuckabout
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This guide is a compilation from friends and my own observations.
Credits roll:
Enrica Yuan FML
Maggie Teo
and the scumbags I've met.
Thank you for reading
A Singaporean Son
*The author blogs at asingaporeanson.blogspot.com