The following is a satirical article written by TRS contributor Phillip Ang. Please take it with a pinch of salt.
Singaporeans have put up with incompetence from the incumbent, dominating party for the past 5 decades. Instead of an increasing standard of living, we have been rewarded with an increasing number of epic screw ups.
Quick fix solutions:
Unprecedented flooding – blame it on something which cannot respond like the weather.
SMRT transforming into Sardine Mass Rapid Transit – donate $1.1 BILLION of taxpayers’ money and just call it grants. SMRT not profitable enough? Wayang in parliament and increase public transport fares.
Graduates finding it tougher to find good jobs – minister discourage getting a degree and says a degree is useless because you cannot eat it. link
Serious housing shortage – just ramp up construction, never mind other infrastructures not ready. Apply SIM City to real life situations.
SMRT driver strike – jail a few, repatriate the rest quickly, let the public know serious approach taken, case closed.
etc.
In early December, the government was again caught with their pants down when a riot occurred in Little India. How it wished Little India was part of India. This was the final straw for even party members who have become deeply disillusioned with the party’s repeated failures.
Talk is rife of a chaotic political scene in 2016, a really once in 50 years situation where more than 10 different political parties will emerge.
Reliable sources of the Kueh Lapis (KL) Tink Tank have informed us that factions have already broken away from the dominant party. The state media is not allowed to report on this or it will be slapped with a $50 million fine under the latest online, offline and fishing line licensing scheme.
Newcomers joining the current list of opposition parties are the TP, TCP, PFP, DFRP and JLB.
1 TP (not Traffic Police or Temasek Polytechnic)
The Tampon Party (TP) will be making its presence felt in eastern Singapore. The leader of the party has raised her (cannot be him) profile and has promised constituents it will raise important women’s issues in Parliament if elected. It has targeted yuppies and those who are brand conscious. TP prefers those who are below 35 to reflect its youthful and often childish image.
KL is of the opinion that TP’s strategy is weak because the targeted voters form only a small percentage due to our ageing population. To date, it has yet to find credible candidates to fill its GRC requirement.
2 TCP
The Tua Cha Party (TCP, affectionately called the Big Wood Party) will also be campaigning in the east. Its leader, an ex-party stalwart, is unwilling to step out of his comfort zone as he is afraid voters will think he has quit on them, labeling him a quitter and therefore lowering his high chance of victory. TCP has actually attracted quite a following due to its long history and aged candidates in eastern Singapore. TCP’s supporters, a.k.a. suck-uppers by the online community, number in the thousands and have benefitted from government’s pro-biz policies for decades. A distinctive characteristic of its members is their appreciation of sick jokes such as when their leader stoop lower than a 3 year old to engage in name calling. TCP members are tickled whenever they hear the same “no substance party” jokehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75RdW3dRsLc even for the 1000th time.
KL’s honest assessment:
Although TCP has some ex-heavyweights, the majority of Singaporeans interviewed by online media newbie, The StraitJacket Times, feel they are actually DEADWEIGHTS. Its leader has managed to attract stayers and talents, such as one Woody Allen lookalike. The average age of its candidates is 81.2 years come 2016 and it is only appealing to this age profile which has the highest number of voters. Will this strategy work? Only time will tell but isn’t time running out for most voters and candidates?
3 PFP
The Pro-Family Party (PFP) comprises current 20 MPs who have young children. As parents, they do understand the needs of young couples. PFP aims to send a strong work-life balance message to Singaporeans, something impossible under the current government. Even young children would like their parents to give up their political career/spend less time at work in order to bond with them. link It is aiming to win big in Punggol and Sengkang where there is a high percentage of young families. With 20 MPs and aiming for only one GRC, there will be 15 MPs to relief the 5 main MPs while they are home bonding with their children. As an initiative, the MP allowance will be split on a pro-rated basis.
KL is of the opinion that PFP will perform much better than the TCP and TP because of their appeal to the masses. Winning a GRC is almost a certainty.
4 DFRP
The Divorce From Reality Party (DFRP) consists of a bunch of MPs with the objective of helping Singaporeans save enough money for retirement. All Singaporeans can achieve this by not sending their children for tuition. A typical Singaporean family could spend up to $2,000 per month per child on tuition. Multiply by 15 years of schooling (nursery, kindgarten, primary, secondary and JC), it adds up to a figure which ordinary Singaporeans do not have at retirement after working their butts off for 35 years.
The candidates of DFRP are a cut above the rest, vocal and with high IQ above 235. So intelligent that when they are spouting nonsense, the public took years to realise. Some still have not.
KL thinks the DFRP should at least win a SMC as it does not have the numbers to compete in a GRC.
5 JLB
The biggest breakaway faction has aptly named itself the Jiak Liao Bee Party. (JLBP) Its candidates have been commanding exorbitant salaries while doing very little or nothing for Singaporeans. The JLBP intends to continue with the status quo but will face hurdles as intelligent Gen Y voters will no longer tolerate any nonsense after 2016. It plans to use the same fear mongering tactics during the elections as there will always be ignoramuses who buy into this, willing to support JLBP blindfolded. JLPB candidates will continue to receive the same salaries for doing ‘what they have been (not) doing for decades’.
KL thinks the JLBP might just be able to win big time as most of the MPs from the dominant party intends to jump ship to JLBP. These candidates feel there is security in numbers. Old habits of 60 per cent of the population also die hard.
Conclusion
2016 will be a historic moment with more than 10 political parties vying for limited parliamentary seats. Describing the political scene as chaotic will likely be an understatement. Barring any interference by the licensing body of the authoritarian regime or further gerrymandering such as allowing foreign relatives of new citizens to vote, we stand by our in depth analysis as at press time.
Kueh KosWee (Director)
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Kueh Lapis Tink Tank